Thoughts On Releasing Fear

Hello all,

"Release" has been a word to focus on this month, in all of its paradox and complexity.

With Halloween coming up this weekend, I've been thinking about how going out to face the ghosts and goblins was always quite cathartic when I was a child. We weren't going to let fear stand in the way of a pillowcase overflowing with caramel squares and chocolate bars!

Today, our fear seems prevalent and takes different shapes: low-grade anxiety that never quite leaves us, full-blown panic attacks that take over unexpectedly. Covid 19 has fuelled an emotional environment that can feel volatile in a way that any sense of peace feels very ephemeral. Insomnia strikes, as we go through worst-case scenarios and struggle with our sense of inadequacy.

And for artists, all of this is compounded with the predictable fears of messing up or missing out. In fact, in the recent survey I sent out, "fear' was cited by pretty much every respondent as a key block to progress!

So... would you agree that it's high time we release fear?!
In fact, this is where all of my thoughts this month have left... it's time we release it, make way for freedom and peace.

You'll find below a brilliant exercise that helped me out, and that I was happy to rediscover and redo. I hope it helps you too!

xo Nat


 

RELEASING FEAR

What is fear? The SMART Recovery Friends & Family Handbook defines FEAR as:

• False
• Evidence
• Appearing
• Real

Wild right? Fear is always about the future and an image we build of it, based on false evidence appearing real. The image is so compelling and so vivid that we believe it to be true. And so we don't step forward because of an outcome we predict and truly believe will happen.

We need to challenge those beliefs and the program offers a very simple tool...

Answer these three questions:

 

So let's take as an example, a fear of sharing my work with an industry professional.

1. I'm afraid that if I share my work, they won't like it.
2. What if they don't like it?
3. I might be embarrassed...

And then REPEAT if the outcome is negative...

1. I'll feel embarrassed, a bit shamed.
2. What if I feel embarrassed?
3. I'll never write again. Ha! Actually, not true. I'm going to keep writing and singing. Actually, if I get embarrassed, I won't die from it. And in fact, I don't have to be embarrassed. If they don't like it, I can ask for constructive feedback. It's about the work, not me.

See what happened there?!!!

Let's try it again... with something I've heard recently...

1. I'm afraid we're not going to get back to touring for another year
2. What if I don't tour for a year?
3. I'm going to starve and my dad's going to tell me he was right all along about me failing

Okkkk let's break that one down....

1. I'm afraid I'm going to starve
2. What if I starve?
3. That's not going to happen... I don't have to starve. But I do have to get my financial picture sorted so that I'm not depending on touring or waiting for others to move. Here are a few things I start with...

1. I'm afraid my dad's going to mock me
2. So what if he tells me he was right?
3. He's just expressing his own fear I suppose. Or he doesn't understand the value of what I do. But this is his issue not mine. So I'll just agree with what I can agree with, and let the rest go unless he's ready to actually discuss this. I won't allow him to verbally abuse me or shame me. I can try this: "Hey dad, I appreciate you looking out for me and know you only want the best for me. I'm an artist and it's true that right now, it's a crazy time to be an artist. We've gone through some crazy change because of technology and no one could have expected that we'd have to face a pandemic. But this period's really forced me to ask myself why I do this, and at the end of the day, I can see that music has been healing for a lot of people, a way of distracting them or motivating them in this trying times. And I feel that I'm bringing value to society. But you're right in saying that this is is tough - it is - and all artists and arts organizations today are coming together to figure out how we rebuild a better and sustainable ecosystem."

You may not generate quite as long a sentence, but having a few words ready is calming...
You keep going until you see a positive outcome that can arise - and plan for dealing with the negative outcomes or crucial conversations:

• What if he leaves me? I'll cry, eat a bucket of Ben & Jerry's and then get on with my life.
• What if no one turns up for my show? I'll play a few songs for myself, relax. And if really no one turns up, I can always erase a livestream video and no one will ever know!
• What if her mother hates me? I'll be myself and accept that she may have reactions that have nothing to do with me. The important thing is that my girlfriend loves me.
• What if he doesn't pay me back? I'm going to face the fact that he might not and revise my budget. This way, if he does, great. But if he doesn't, I don't need to agonize about it. Sometimes people let us down. I can let it go and focus on the things that feed my soul.

These are just some examples, but as you can see, it's an easy - yet super effective way of gaining some perspective! And right now, perspective is kind of hard to find when we're stuck at home all alone. This exercise allows us to take control of and redirect our internal dialogue.

(I really appreciate this tool. It was originally created as part of the Smart Recovery program that supports people to let go of their addictions. I joined a year ago in the friends and family group because I was trying to help an artist-friend. I was struggling to find the right way of supporting him through his own struggles. As anyone whose come close up to addictions knows, fear is a big part of the shared experience. The tools I found on the forums SmartRecovery.org are really well-done and worth exploring.)